Is it Better to Seek Permission, or Ask for Forgiveness?

Hello Jeddlers!

Life has a way of throwing curveballs at us when we least expect it. Sometimes, it feels like we’re playing a never-ending game of dodgeball, except the balls are boulders, and they keep getting bigger. For me, the past year has been one of those times where I just couldn’t dodge fast enough.

It all started with Steve. Steve was one of those rare souls who could light up a room just by walking into it. He was my rock, my confidant, and his sudden death left a gaping hole in my life. Losing him was like losing a part of myself, and the grief was overwhelming. As I've already spoken about he was with us one moment, ill and then died 3 weeks later.

Just as I was trying to find my footing again, I was hit with another devastating blow. My beloved aunt and uncle passed away in quick succession. Their deaths felt like another cruel twist of fate, and I found myself spiralling further into despair.

And then, there was Val. Sweet, wonderful Val, whose laughter was infectious and whose kindness knew no bounds. His passing was the final straw. It felt like the universe was conspiring against me, trying to break me with each new loss.

So there I am sat wondering what more could possibly come, life had one more sucker punch to deliver. My son, my precious boy, was hit by a car. The terror of that moment is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Watching him suffer, feeling so helpless, was a new kind of torture.

All the while, I’ve been nursing chronic pain, both physical and emotional. It’s the kind of pain that wears you down, that makes every day a battle just to get out of bed. And let me tell you, trying to navigate life’s hurdles with that kind of weight on your shoulders is no easy feat. Even writing this I am a little impressed with myself for still being able to put one foot in front of the other!

It’s no surprise, then, that my mental health has taken a severe hit. I’ve found myself making mistakes, missing deadlines, and just generally failing at things I used to handle with ease. It’s hard to focus, hard to care, when you’re consumed by so much grief and pain. Add this on to my diagnosis of complex PTSD....well then things become a little more amplified.

I’m acutely aware of the delays, the errors, and the failures that have come as a result of my mental state. New projects have all been put on hold, PDFs are out of date, the planned international hub has stopped developing. I know I’ve let people down, and for that, I am deeply sorry. But I’m also human, and I’m doing the best I can with the cards I’ve been dealt. To put it bluntly, the last 12 months have been shit.

Here’s the thing: it will get better. It has to. I’ve always believed in the resilience of the human spirit, and I’m determined to claw my way back to some semblance of normalcy. It’s going to take time, and it’s going to take a lot of effort, but I’m not giving up. Val taught me so much, so much about strength, being on the path and not needing to get a result immediately. Its a journey he would say. Well Val, to you I am forever grateful.

To anyone who has been affected by my struggles, I ask for your understanding and your forgiveness. I’m working on healing, on finding my way back, and I appreciate your patience. I’m still standing. And that, in itself, is a victory.

Thank you for being here, for reading, and for sharing in this journey with me. Here’s to better days ahead!

So to answer my question, you cant always seek permission but you should. You can always ask for forgiveness and those realistic and understanding people out there will give it.

Jed